magnificently unprepared/for the long littleness of life.

Monday, June 26, 2006

back from aur.

1. humans make terrible underwater creatures; or maybe its just me. the fish move a thousand times faster than we do, and the fact that we have to equalize equalize equalize (pop. pop. pop. pop) doesnt help. yes, clever me, for blowing so hard my eardrums felt like they were bleeding. and i am so tired of chewing my regulator. seeing the backside of a turtle, and peripherally-a-stonefish, is only marginally better than not seeing them at all-- at least i wore contacts the last 2 dives. blah, bad finning, and lousy kanchiong poor motor skills.

2. just my opinion, but the one hand signal i really think jacques costeau missed out when he invented all those standardised hand signals (fish, i'm cold, whatever. blah blah. yeah, we know the water is cold. what do you want, a big hug?) is "oh my god that is fanfuckingtastic". seriously, they're not joking when they say it's a completely different world down there. diving puts you in the best mood ever. how can you be angry/sad/pissed/grumpy when all around you there are amazing little fish darting around you, and bloody huge bright blue starfish on the seabed, and coral, and those sometimes-beautiful-mostly-skincrawling seacucumbers, and... wow. just woah.

3. my ear still hurts. and i'm still scared i've blown (literally) a hole in it. whine whine whine. but seriously. it's starting to ache constantly, and there's a little bit of tinnitus. feels (and sounds) exactly like when i had mad eustachian tube blockage as a kid (almost went into surgery), so i am extremely, extremely paranoid. i don't want to lose what little hearing i do have left. augh.

4. i am a busy person, but i get myself into things. like n said, nothing i can't get yourself out of if i try hard enough. as one of the hospital doctors said: "i'm learning how to say no." there are priorities, and then there are priorities. another one of those choices i hate making; gambling holds no appeal for me. and to make it worse there (sadly) aren't any bookie's odds, or tip hotlines, or even channelnewsasia sms updates. just my own, flawed, chronologically- and emotionally-limited judgement. which is never very good even when i'm fully awake, and not having to handle mr philip sim (whose check hasn't cleared. the bitch), pegs, munus, bass, supper, medicamp stuff, blading cycling blablabla, my brother, etcetc. but as i said (even though you hate me saying it, and hate people who think that way) life is a series of choices, interacting with each other. the options are always there; they may not be pretty, or useful, or even practical, but they're choices all the same. i can't spend the rest of my life half-living a decision; it's not fair to everyone involved. a small part of me already knows what i'm going to do (which should have been done a long time ago, or possibly never even started says a little voice in my head), i am hoping, and praying, with all of the rest of me, that this small clairvoyant, realistic-to-pessimistic jiminy cricket is dead, dead, dead wrong. because if it isn't, and i'm wrong-- it's going to be so much worse than before.

+ fictions&fires 1:08 AM

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