Sunday, May 21, 2006
a rant.
alas and alack. singaporeans continue to perplex, horrify, anger, and embarrass me with their monumental stupidity. 2 case studies for the edification of my fine (and linguistically-competent, thank god) readers:
case study #1- the picture of durian gray; or, the ass-pranate
the singtel 100 hotline has saved my sorry arse many, many times. since i am a perpetually-forgetful and absentminded cow i often phone in with offices or corporations to double-check names, status of purchases, availability of products etc before i go down in person. dont get me wrong. i love any service that gives me the numbers necessary to conduct my daily affairs as smoothly as possible. in fact, in a pinch, the nice ladies (always ladies, never the guys) can help you with what buses to take or where exactly in potong pasir your strange tution kid lives. ("two bus stops after the green house on your right, when the bus makes a small right turn".) singtel 100 is a marvellous tool. but just as a scalpel is a thing of beauty in doctor gregory house's manly, grumpy hands (:D) but a tool of horror and butchery if it falls into the nefarious and oh-so-creative clutches of someone like myself (muhaha), the singtel 100 hotline can be a source of both great joy (nice helpful malay aunties) and rage (example below). ugh.
so i call the hotline and am greeted by some bored-sounding male. i ask for the number of the esplanade enquiries desk. after a lengthy 10-second pause:
idiot male (IM): err. how to spell esplerrnut?
me: esplanade. (i spell it, slowly)
IM: humm.
me: (in desperation) essprenayyte. you know, the durians.
IM: oh. yeah essprenayyte! how to spell again?
me: (repeats spelling loudly and clearly)
IM: oh, where is this building?
me: 1 esplanade drive?
IM: i have no listing for essprenayyte.
me: (sighs audibly) any number at all? can you please check again.
IM: no number.
me: please check again.
IM: (after a long pause) okay please hold for your number.
i copy down the number, call it, and am greeted by a pleasant female voice. ah, yes, finally! i think. "hello, ocbc corporate office speaking."
what the fuck! how are we educating our children today, MOE! can we please look into this ASAP? how did esspranayyte (no matter how badly spelt) morph into ocbc corporate office? did the singtel 100 guy randomly smash his forehead into the keyboard in frustration and give me the first number that came up? do they hire epileptic monkeys to stab random numbers into a keypad if they're so criminally stupid they don't understand what someone is saying, even after seventy million and fourteen thousand repetitions of the same goddamned two-letter phrase? come on people. it's all about the EDUCATION, man. if you're going to be in the front end of customer communications in a country where the lingua franca of business is english please be goddamned sure that you can at least understand something more complex than "I GO WEEWEE NOW".
case study #2: brokebrain mountain, or; i don't hate all gays, just the criminially-stupid ones.
http://colinandkero.blogspot.com
normally just quoting this website makes my dura mater expand in protest and absorb my csf, giving me a big-ass MORON-INDUCED HEADACHE. but it isn't bad, really. i mean i can accept the fact that there are people still extant who function at this intellectual level-- well not really, but at least im not murderously-angry about it.
what makes me really fuming, boiling, STEAMINGLY, RAGINGLY mad is the fact that colin witnessed a fucking child being raped and did nothing about it. here is an excerpt from his mind-bendingly, pointlessly-diabetically-saccharine cloyingly-stupid publicitywhore blog:
today went work.. finished work.. den i went to pee.. i heard a gal cryin in the gents toilet.. waliao.. scared the hell out of me can.. den i walked inside bravely la.. saw a little gal cryin at the handicaps cubicle of the gents.. coverin her.. erm.. private. den she keep screamin and cryin at the same time..
"HENG TONG~ HENG TONG LEH.. *BOO HOO*" (very pain.. very pain leh)
and tis man said," ni hou kai lar.." (u deserved it)
and he continued" hai hui tong mar.." (still pain anot?)
the man got a bundle of toilet paper in his hand lo.. i dunno he wipin the gal's butt or... wat.. i reali dunno.. cos i was in the cubicle peein.. so i only overheard the later part.. nv reali see.. and i dun dare to see.. i wanted to go and asked wat happen de..
...
DUNNO LEH.. i dun tink the man raped the gal.. did he? i hope he didnt.. -_- probably is the father wipin the gal's butt and she's havin a constipation.. and she covered her private cos she's juz feelin cold?? shld be.. =DDD nth de.. i shall not tink further le.. otherwise i feel guilty not askin the man wat he doin..~ later he rape me also how? HOR?
and yes, of course the 40 year old man is wiping his barely-post-pubescent 10+ year old daughter's ass with toiletpaper. what a common sight in singapore. at 10 pm at night! when all good girls are out shopping for dollies with their daddies. and of course, covering your vagina and crying is really one of the more obvious signs of TERRIBLE CONSTIPATION in ten-year-olds. great work, sherlock homo.
and after recapping this interesting situation, he goes on to make his final concluding statement:
omg.. darlin u see.. u nv come fetch me... tsk~ =(
of course! all bad things immediately stop whenever "darlin" is within a ten-meter radius. either, that, or you borrow half his brain, so you two have enough together for at least one synapse.
there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. our children are the future. i suggest you start stocking up now.
+ fictions&fires
1:16 AM
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plangere, latin: to strike, or to lament.
in the depth of winter i finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.
--albert camus
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to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting.
-- ee cummings
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